10. NEVER STOP TALKING.
Not before or after the service starts. Not before or after rehearsal starts. Not in between songs. Not when someone else is speaking or preaching. Not when someone is praying. Not even when the Choir Director is working with another section.
9. RECOGNIZE THAT EVERY SONG WE SING IS NOT ONE YOU WOULD HAVE CHOSEN.
The words will always be “too shallow”, “too corny”, “unscriptural”, or just not the “style” we need in OUR church. Understand that every song will be “too country” ,”too contemporary”, “too old”, or “too young”. They will always be “too fast”, or “too boring”. Always be sure to let out an audible groan when the song is announced so everyone knows it’s lame.
8. SING THE WRONG PART
While everyone else is trying to sing as a cohesive unit, pay no attention that others may be counting on you for the right notes. Your ideas are definitely better than the director’s, and always better than the background vocals that are already on the track, or the written notes on the page. Who needs those anyway??? No need to learn the right part when you can just make up one of your own.
7. DON’T ATTEND PRACTICE ON A “REGULAR” BASIS
Practice is for Rookies. Showing up occasionally is fine. Why should you waste time at practice when the words are going to be on the wall anyway? A good choir director should never expect a sacrifice of your time, effort or concentration. Always keep yourself convinced that whatever notes you decide to sing, when you do show up, will sound just as good as whatever the RIGHT notes are anyway.
6. TAKE ON AN IRRITATED DEMEANOR WHEN THE SOUND SYSTEM DOESN’T WORK PROPERLY
I like to scowl, point emphatically at the monitors and then point a thumb into the air. Throwing both hands up in the air with an exasperated shrug is also acceptable. Just be sure you exaggerate enough so everyone in the congregation knows all the wrong notes you are singing, are the sound guy’s fault.
5. NEVER MEMORIZE ANYTHING
There will be times when technical difficulties will cause the incorrect lyrics, or no lyrics at all, to appear on the wall. Always be prepared for a complete meltdown of the performance when this occurs. All singing must stop and be replaced with constant looks of frustration and confusion. Keep dashing your eyes back and forth from the wall to the director for instructions on how to proceed. These are your greatest tools. Always be prepared to use them to their fullest potential. Don’t ever be tempted to fall back on your memory to continue the song as it has been rehearsed. Keeping Rule #7 will greatly assist you in keeping rule #5.
4. MAKE SURE EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOUR TIME IS MORE VALUABLE THAN THEIRS
This is easy to do and super effective. Simply show up to practice late and then wait until everyone else is learning a new song. Bonus points if you stop the rehearsal and ask where to get a copy of what was already been passed out to those who were on time.
3. FIND A SIDEKICK
You know you’re number “one”, but “one” is the loneliest number. Choose someone on the team you can crack jokes to, roll your eyes with and keep a side conversation going, while your section or another section of the choir is trying to figure out the song. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all the weight of derailing practice on your own. Your sidekick can be a lot of fun when expressing visible disapproval of other members.
2. BE COMPETITIVE
Your position on the team is the sole basis for your self-worth so you must protect it at all costs. Be sure to offer lots of critique while accepting none. Put others down to raise yourself up. Don’t be encouraging. Keep a running tally of just how many solos each member has, and how often those songs are used in service.
If someone else invites you to hear them sing at a special event next week, ask where, and tell them you already have plans. Then talk about your own ministry for the rest of the conversation. Constantly express how your anointing is being quenched and you are not being used to your fullest potential. Backhanded complements are a plus. “Nice job on that solo verse. When I heard it on the record I didn’t think you could do it. Another week or two of practice and you should have it.”
1. ABOVE ALL ELSE, REALIZE THAT THE CHOIR IS ALL ABOUT YOU
You’re a busy person and the choir is lucky to even have you. With this attitude, everything else will fall into place for you to be the worst Choir Member ever.